Friday, May 28, 2010

Fountain Restaurant | 4-2680 Blanshard Street | 250.381.3318

Weird nonsensical Chinglesh posters hanging behind fake apple walls.

The dinner buffet might get it done here, but its lunch hour cousin is all Lady and the Tramp style alley-garbage dinner without the romance.

These comments made while dining pretty much sum it up:

From Bruce: "How do you fuck up corn?"

Me: "I've never had Jello that actually just tasted like gelatine. There is nearly no orange flavour in this. It's like they just added food colouring."

You can pretty much apply any variation on these comments to A LOT of the other items. Some of the big ticket items (fried rice, chow mein, ginger beef) are passable, but otherwise it's all pretty bafflingly bad. I actually spat out a gyoza before biting all the way through it. The mango ice cream was essentially the only thing I wanted to go for seconds of.

I've heard dinner buffet here is better, with many more items, but our lunch really was depressingly bad. Unfortunate seeing as I've never had any qualms with Fountain's delivery meals. Suffice to say; this isn't the triumphant return to the buffet game we were all hoping Fountain would serve up.

EDIT: Went back and tried dinner buffet on June 6th. A few items definitely make it more worthwhile (jumbo fish sticks, dessert rolls, crab), but overall I still think it's a bit of a loser. Especially at $18 on the weekend. I do believe there is potential for improvement though. Give it another month or two and it might be worth return trips.

Price for Lunch: $9
Rating: 2.8/5

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Pizza Hut Buffet | Duncan, BC | 5852 Trans Canada Highway | 250.748.4690

Aight, so it's been like three or four months since we made the spiritual journey to the hallowed Hut, but there weren't a lot of items, so I think I can still give it a decent review.

Let's start with how teeny-tiny everything is at this buffet: plates less than 2/3 the size of standard buffet tableware, pizza cut into strips not even fit for the appetite of a self-doubting teenager, and somewhat shallow serving dishes really. The portion sizes aren't really a problem—I mean just eat more right? It is a buffet. The problem is the plates are so completely incompliant with the pursuit of gluttony, that you're forced to fill up two plates every trip, and you're up and down every five seconds like a teenage dick. WOULD IT KILL YOU TO GO LARGER THAN A SALAD PLATE? Geez it was frustrating.

The buffet situation here does get significantly better once you get over the baby plates, and dig into the dishes. Though no specialty crust pizzas are offered, the traditional 'za (pepperoni and ham and pineapple being the main options) is what you would expect. It might not bring you to a higher plain of existence (you'll need to order a few stuffed crusts for that), but it still gets the job done. The Caesar pasta salad is a surprisingly compatible companion as well, which is more than can be said for the god-awful lasagna mess. Dump some marinara sauce on a bunch of fusili. Inspired thinking Pizza Hut. Somewhere in a studio apartment a shirtless, stained-gut bachelor is totally pissed you stole his recipe.

This brings us to the breadsticks and the dessert pizza. Though Auggie probably would have made the trip to Duncan for the 'sticks alone, I have to say both Fazoli's and the Olive Garden do it better. I guess I was just hoping for softer bread mostly.

The dessert pizza, however, is the type of buffet item that comes along once in a lifetime. The type of dish that takes a common indulgence, and turns it into the type of food airline crash survivors talk about while they're drinking urine, and resorting to cannibalism while wishing the knowledge of having a loving family at home really was as nourishing as human ass flesh.

The cherry and apple dessert pizza is like Pillsbury Toaster Strudel, but waaaaaaaaaaay better. Like if a toaster strudel fucked Cherry Valence, and they had little food babies. A little trashy, but with a hint of sweet sophistication lying just underneath the surface. A true buffet triumph.

I know it's sacrilege, but I think I ultimately prefer the Mexican buffet across the parking lot. Pizza Hut buffet is still a very special place, but not quite worth the reverence of other chain giants like Sizzler: now there is something special (review coming I hope).

Price: $9? (Lunch Only)
Rating: 3.5